Now the short buying experience was tainted by this larger bottom half. I have the hardest time finding anything that actually fits me and last week was no exception. I have never liked to try on clothes in store dressing rooms. I find it a humiliating experience to have to come out of the room, return the clothes I thought I could fit into, and tromp over to pick a larger size than I thought I would fit into. So instead of actually trying clothes on, I go through and pick several things that I then take home and try on instead. The horrible thing about the styles these days is that it is difficult to find shorts that come down far enough to cover my thighs and knees--the part of my body that still bugs me. So I found the longest shorts they had and I picked a size 10 even though I have been able to fit in many size 8s.
When I got home and tried on my finds, I experienced the same painful experience I have felt when I wore sizes larger than 18---either my smaller mid-section causes the back waist of the shorts to stick out several inches, or when I tried to zip them up my stomach rolls got in the way and they would not close up entirely. And for a few minutes I felt horrible about myself. I felt that all my hard work was for naught...I still cannot find clothes that fit me!
The good thing is that this feeling of frustration did not last long, because I know how far I have come and I know how much better I am looking these days. I could never wear jeans before, and now I own four pairs. I have not worn a tank top in twenty years without feeling self-conscious, and I actually bought and wear them all the time now. I cannot let the fact that manufacturers make clothes for women without curves make me feel bad about myself. I cannot allow my small rolls, wrinkles, and stretch marks take away from the fact that I look pretty good in most clothes these days. And I cannot let my mind warp my perception of my body shape like I saw in the shadows last week on the hills above the Del Mar beach.
We need to be kind to ourselves and realize that what we see is not always what we get. We cannot let small flaws, unrealistic clothes designers, or our own minds tell us that we are not good enough. If we are not kind to ourselves, who will be?