The beach used to scare me. It was not the strong surge, nor the creatures like sharks and sting rays.  It was scary because in every other location, I could cover up and hide the parts of me that made me unhappy.  At the beach covering up was uncomfortably hot, not to mention that I missed out on the all fun with my family when I refused to uncover and go play with my family in the sand and water.  About the only body part that didn't make me feel self-conscious were my feet--everything else got covered up when we visited the beach.  Heck, I even covered up as much of my neck as I could by having longer hair.  
          For years Sean and I have been promising the kids and each other that we would take a trip to Hawaii.  This year we technically had three graduations...my oldest child from college, my middle from high school, and the youngest from kindergarten.  It was the perfect time to finally follow through on a long held promise to ourselves.  And when you go to Hawaii, covering up is almost a waste of the beautiful resources Hawaii has to offer.  How do you do stand up paddle boarding, snorkeling, or even hiking through a rainforest when you are completely covered from head to ankle in clothing?  So, now that I think about the reason it took us so long to actually follow through on our paradise promises, it might have been an attempt to avoid endless beach trauma.
         Now I am not saying that you have to be slim to come to Hawaii or to be able to rock a bikini.  What I am saying that my body issues kept me from enjoying any beach for years, and it was all in my head.  Last week, we finally had some downtime where we could just sit on the beach and relax. As I looked around me, there were plenty of people in bikinis that, like me, had bodies that did not measure up to the media's image of what a perfect body should be, but we all looked just fine.  And as I looked around no one seemed to care that all their imperfect parts were hanging out. 
           So, in order to give less power to my fear of sharing my bumpy parts, I am sharing them in this blog so it is no longer a secret.  I spent all ten days in Hawaii in my bikinis, and the only time I wore a one-piece was when I swam laps in the lagoon at the hotel.  It was very liberating to not care what anyone thought of me and to just be proud of all I have accomplished instead of focusing on the tiny little flaws my weight fluctuations have left on me.  I have a stomach pooch because of my two c-sections and some stretch marks around my belly and thighs, but oh well.  I don't need to be perfect.  Maybe if I say it enough times I will believe it all of the time instead of just most of the time.
           I guess what I am hoping to share is that I would love if some of you, my readers, will not waste so much of your lives worrying about what others think about you.  Who cares if your body is not perfect?  What is perfection anyway?  Here are two stories that I have come across in the last month that have helped me to have the courage to let it all hang out--I hope they will inspire you as well.

Great perspective about not teaching our kids to have the same insecurities we might have--Huffington Post: Mom's Put on That Swimsuit

An inspiring story about a woman who would not let a magazine make her cover her bumpy parts--Brooke Burmingham: Why I Refused to Put a Shirt on For Shape

         Last week I celebrated my 47th birthday, and despite the fact that I am one step closer to the big 5-0, I do not feel old. In fact, I feel better than I have in my entire life, and I only see brighter horizons in my future. Now don't get me wrong, I have been skinner, I have had less wrinkles and bumps, but I have never felt as strong physically and mentally as I do right now in my life. With age has come the realization that I can't worry about what others think of me and I can only focus on being the best me I can be. This is a really freeing place to be!

          In order to continue moving in a positive direction, I have decided to articulate my five wishes for the coming year--one for each decade of my life ( I am counting the seven extra years as a decade). I am hoping my wishes will inspire you to set some goals for yourself as well this year:

          1) Be realistic and kind: I will never have my 18 year-old body, and I need to be proud of the body that I do have. It is not perfect, but for the first time in years I can actually say that I look good. And while I am still trying to push away some of those firmly planted negative images of myself, in the last month I actually got called the "s" word (skinny) more than once. I am hoping that instead of looking behind me for who they are referring to, that I can eventually just say, "Thank you! I worked really hard to get to this point!"

          2) Get faster: I am at a stage where I want to be faster at my biking, swimming, and most importantly, my running. My original goal was to be able to run a 10-minute mile on my shorter runs, and I can now easily do that when I run consistently without stopping for pictures. My new goal is that I would like to be able to run at least one half-marathon in under two hours. I also want to refine my swimming and biking techniques so those times improve as well.

          3) Get stronger: Part of getting faster is that I really need to strengthen my core. Everything hinges around a strong foundation, and that is a part of my routine that I honestly have not had time to incorporate. Now that I am on summer break I honestly have no excuses.

          In addition, my arms have always been a weakness strength-wise. I power through with my legs, but my arms need some attention now. Not to mention that with a little firmness, my arms will look better in all the new tank tops I have purchased in the last month.

          4) Keep control of my eating: I have balance now and I want to keep this healthy relationship with food for the rest of my life. I feel fantastic when I eat cleanly, but I also don't want to freak out if I have a bad meal, day, or even week. As I shared with one of my friends recently, it is all in the perspective. If you feel you can never indulge, then one bad meal will make you feel like a failure. However, if you "allow" yourself to occasionally indulge then that self-deprecating monster inside you is less likely to come out. Soon I will be on my first real family vacation I have been on in years. While I won't go crazy, I really want to experience what Hawaii has to offer in the yummy food department. I will also be balancing that out with lots of running, swimming, and hiking in the lush Hawaiian landscape!

          5) Be happy: I know this sounds lame, but I just want to be content. I spent so many years being miserable in my own skin that it spilled over into others areas in my life. I have an incredible family, unbelievable friends, a steady job that I actually love...what more could anyone ask for? It is time for me to let go of all those past negative experience and live in the present. I have an amazing life and I need to let all the little stuff slide off and focus on all the positives that life has to offer.

           Last weekend Sean, Eoin, and I were in Del Mar and we decided to take a walk along the cliffs above the ocean.  We left at the perfect time of day to see our shadows laid out before us.  As I looked down at my shadow, it reminded me of an experience I had the previous week trying to find shorts. As I gazed at my shadow I realized it looked wider than my actual figure.  I am a pear shaped individual, tiny top and much larger lower portion, and at times this causes me to see my body in a very warped perspective.  If you look at me from the top up, I am right where I want to be, but my stomach rolls, rounded behind, and thicker thighs occasionally cause me to forget how truly good I feel I look these days.
           Now the short buying experience was tainted by this larger bottom half.  I have the hardest time finding anything that actually fits me and last week was no exception.  I have never liked to try on clothes in store dressing rooms.  I find it a humiliating experience to have to come out of the room, return the clothes I thought I could fit into, and tromp over to pick a larger size than I thought I would fit into.  So instead of actually trying clothes on, I go through and pick several things that I then take home and try on instead.  The horrible thing about the styles these days is that it is difficult to find shorts that come down far enough to cover my thighs and knees--the part of my body that still bugs me.  So I found the longest shorts they had and I picked a size 10 even though I have been able to fit in many size 8s.  
           When I got home and tried on my finds, I experienced the same painful experience I have felt when I wore sizes larger than 18---either my smaller mid-section causes the back waist of the shorts to stick out several inches, or when I tried to zip them up my stomach rolls got in the way and they would not close up entirely.  And for a few minutes I felt horrible about myself. I felt that all my hard work was for naught...I still cannot find clothes that fit me!
           The good thing is that this feeling of frustration did not last long, because I know how far I have come and I know how much better I am looking these days.  I could never wear jeans before, and now I own four pairs.  I have not worn a tank top in twenty years without feeling self-conscious, and I actually bought and wear them all the time now.  I cannot let the fact that manufacturers make clothes for women without curves make me feel bad about myself.  I cannot allow my small rolls, wrinkles, and stretch marks take away from the fact that I look pretty good in most clothes these days.  And I cannot let my mind warp my perception of my body shape like I saw in the shadows last week on the hills above the Del Mar beach.
            We need to be kind to ourselves and realize that what we see is not always what we get.  We cannot let small flaws, unrealistic clothes designers, or our own minds tell us that we are not good enough.  If we are not kind to ourselves, who will be?

           I usually don't have the time nor the energy to write more than one blog in a seven day period let alone a two day one, but I was inspired to do another short one for this week.  I have shared more than once, maybe close to a million times by now, that I am completely inspired by my friend Kay and the grace, strength, humor, resilience, determination, and selflessness she displayed during her fight with cancer.  I have used her story to push myself on when I felt like I wanted to quit, and the pain and struggles she experienced during the last two years also remind me that the little things that annoy me and the small obstacles I experience are nothing compared to all that Kay endured.
          So the reason for this second blog is that I want to gather a small army of friends, family, and acquaintances to join me in celebrating what Kay means to us all.  This is her favorite race and the one where she made her comeback from her cancer journey.  Some of you may be thinking--I can't run a half marathon, but remember where I came from and the obstacles Kay endured to run this race in March.  If we can do it, I really believe that anyone can.  And also remember that the beauty of these races is that you can do any combination of running walking that you would like and you have ten months to train for this challenge.  A lot can happen in that amount of time.
          I have often written about the value of setting a goal to help you moving along in your fitness journey, so I would personally like to challenge you to set the goal of joining me in running this beautiful half marathon in appreciation for all Kay means to so many and to celebrate the health of one amazing lady!

We love you Kay---from all your running buddies: Early Morning buddies, Ragnar buddies, Washington buddies, Running Camp buddies, and the list goes on and on!

Link to SD Half Marathon: Click here to go to race registration 
Sign up now as the prices will not get much lower than this ($79 before the processing fees).  We will not sign up as an official team as it looks like it will limit us to only 10 racers, but when they ask what name you want on your bib write, "Team Kay."