A couple weeks ago my friend Karrie and I decided to take the kids to see Finding Nemo 3-D at our local theater. Now we both have the DVD at home, but there was something about seeing all those beautifully animated ocean scenes on the big screen in 3-D that really appealed to us.  Besides the aesthetic beauty of the animation, I think the one thing I love about this movie is the character Dory.  Now for those of you that have not seen Nemo in a while, I want to remind you of the basic premise.  Little Nemo's mother is killed within the first five minutes, which makes his father, Marlin, neurotic and overly-cautious, especially when it comes to Nemo's safety.  Marlin's cautious nature causes Nemo to rebel, and, as a result, Nemo is captured by a diver.  The rest of the movie follows Marlin as he attempts to rescue his son and bring him home. Along the way, Marlin runs into (literally) a cute blue fish named Dory who is kind and brave but suffers from short-term memory loss.  One of my favorite scenes has Dory leading Marlin down into the deepest, darkest regions of the ocean to retrieve the diving mask that is the key to finding his precious son Nemo (click here for a link to this scene from the movie). This clip completely relates back to my blog on fear and how sometimes fear can paralyze us, but having a healthy dose of this cautiousness keeps us safe from harm.
          Coincidentally, the other day I was watching The Ellen Show, and she had on a very inspiring non-celebrity guest. 13 year-old Talia Castellano is suffering from, not one, but two aggressive forms of cancer.  Ellen (who is the voice of Dory) had seen Talia's videos on You-Tube where she gives make-up lessons to other teenagers.  Because of her engaging videos, Ellen asked her to come on the show to be a special guest.  The thing that struck me the most about this young girl was how upbeat she was despite the double life-threatening diagnosis.  There she sat in the large interview chair with a brilliant smile on her face, wiggling excitedly throughout her conversation with the TV star.  Ellen, too, was amazed by this and asked her how she kept such a positive, sunny outlook.  Talia shared that when she started to feel down she would think of Ellen's Dory character from Finding Nemo, and she would repeat the mantra, "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming," and she would feel better.  I have a lot to learn from this inspiring young girl!      
          The funny thing about these two experiences is that as soon as I got into the water to swim with Karrie early Wednesday morning, I turned to her and said, "Have I told you how much I hate swimming?" As soon as I hit that water I suddenly lose any positive impulses--it's as if they just float away and I am left with this feeling of dread. Luckily, Karrie just turned to me and she started singing, "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." and then she swam off to do her laps.  I had to laugh, and it reminded me that life is too short to be so negative about my swimming, it is, after all, only swimming.  Now I am not saying that I will not dread swimming next week, but instead of just complaining, I am putting plans into place to help me finally make the kinds of gains I am hoping for.
          I think there are a couple reasons I am so hard on myself about swimming.  First, I have been swimming for three months, and I am not seeing the results I had hoped for.  Shouldn't I be able to see some good progress by this time?  Shouldn't swimming be just a little bit easier?  Instead, I still panic when I hit the water and have difficulty with my breathing throughout my entire training time.  In addition, the reason I love running and biking so much is that I can actually spend the time talking and hanging out with my friends.  With swimming, that is not so easy.  Karrie and I have been know to kick board for 500m or more just so we can catch up on what has happened in our lives over the week.  And even though I have been consistently doing about a mile of swimming during by pool training sessions, very little of those meters were what I would consider "pure swimming (swimming without tools like a kick board, flippers, and paddles)."  I was using them as crutches, and that may be why my swimming progress was stagnating. 
          Now that I have admitted to myself, and to you, that I have not been putting my best effort into my swimming, I also want to admit that I am changing my ways.  I have joined a Masters swim group at the rec center where I have been swimming.  My new coach holds me accountable, gives me tips for improving my form, and he makes me do most of my swimming without any tools.  After two session with this coach, I already feel like I am actually floating higher on the water and making it faster from one end of the pool to the other.  And on Friday I actually swam a full 1000m without one tool to distract me--I was completely exhausted, but so proud of myself at the same time.
          The other resources I am continuing to tap to improve my triathlon sports are web-based.  Karrie sent me a link to a beginner triathlon site that just so happened to have a couple great articles on swimming this week.  My favorite article was written by a man who chose Ironman as his first triathlon (First Ironman? First Triathlon!).  Just like me he felt pretty confident about the running and biking legs, but found the swimming more of a challenge than he expected.  As I read this man's story, I could not believe how much his experience was similar to mine--I have found my kindred spirit, especially when he clings to the side of the pool wall in humiliation.  In this same triathlon resource, there is also a great article on the most efficient hand position for swimming (Freestyle Hand Position). As I work to refine my form, little tips like the ones offered here are invaluable.
          Hopefully in future blogs I will be sharing that swimming is no longer an issue for me.  Until then I need to keep Dory's mantra running through my mind, "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming," to remind myself that it doesn't help to be a "Mr. Grumpy Face," like Marlin.  I need to be a Dory and remember that nothing is gained by focusing on what I cannot do.  The only way I can improve is by focusing on one stroke at a time, one meter at a time, humming my happy tune.

        For my friends who have already heard this story before--please forgive me, but it perfectly illustrates the way I have been feeling lately.  Before I began my current job at my district as a TOSA (Teacher on Special Assignment), I spent more than half of my years in the classroom as a kindergarten teacher.  Lately, with all the budget cuts, higher class sizes, and just general stress our current economy has put on teachers and families, my job as a TOSA really has me stretched in so many directions.  Then add on top of that all the Ironman training I need to do and the time I want to spend with my family, I have been feeling a little overwhelmed in the last month or so (and yes, I am totally thinking this in my head in an annoying whiny voice).
        As I have shared before, sleep is always an issue for me.  Even if I go to bed at 8, I don't always fall right to sleep, and I have been having a lot of those "feeling out of control" dreams lately.  On Wednesday I had a dream that I was once again teaching kindergarten.  I had asked all my parents to meet at my house so we could all carpool to school together.  The problem is that when the parents left I still had ten students with me and only seven extra seats in my van.  In addition, they didn't leave me any car seats, so it felt like I spent the whole night trying to find a way to safely transport all ten kids.  And while I was pondering this puzzle, the students kept doing things like getting too close to the pool or grabbing sharp objects.  It doesn't take a psychologist to see that this dream was a metaphor for my current reality.  I have too many tasks and not enough time to do them all in the 24 hours we are given each day.
          That's where I get by with a little help from my friends.  I must say, this is the first week that my schedule has actually kept me from getting my usual training in--and I felt it.  On Thursday I was driving to an early morning meeting I was in charge of running, and all I could think of was how much I would rather be running than heading to work.  It is amazing how ingrained my exercise has become, and how much I have come to depend on my friends to run, bike, and swim with me.
          I have come to realize that my training time is really my hang with my friends time, my share my triumphs and frustrations time, and my time to run new ideas by them to get their feedback.  It is amazing how much you can talk about when you are on the road together for an hour or more, and I think my friends feel the same way about this special time we have together.  So as stressed as I have been feeling lately, I know that when I rise at 5 am to meet my buddies, I know that I will not only get a great day of running or biking in, I know that at the end of those miles I will feel better mentally as well, because I will have emptied my mind of all the things weighing on me.  I get by with a little help from these friends.
          I am a lucky girl because besides having my wonderful exercise friends, I also have other circles of friends who all keep me from loosing my mind: my work/teacher friends, my past parent friends (I taught their students and then we stayed friends), my high school/college friends, etc.  And they have all played a part in keeping me sane these days.  What I love about these friends is that they understand how intense my training needs to be for the next ten months, and they do not make me feel guilty for the lack of time I am able to spend with them.  In fact, it is just the opposite.  I was just talking with my close friend who I have not seen since late July.  I was sharing how nervous I was about the Ironman and my ability to actually survive the training.  She reminded me where I came from, "How many people who used to weigh 230 pounds ever decide to even attempt an Ironman?" she asked me.  She told me that I should be proud of myself no matter what, and even though I know she wishes we could have more time together, she never once suggested I quit.
          So it is clear to me that the secret to my success (and yours as well) is definitely having a strong support system.  If I didn't have a family that watched Eoin so I could run, bike, and swim for hours, if I didn't have friends that not only train with me but allow me to decompress during those trainings, I would not be where I am today.  I am hoping that my life settles down a little, but I know no matter what I will get by with a LOT of support from those around me.

A friend is one with whom you are comfortable, to whom you are loyal, through whom you are blessed, and for whom you are grateful.
                                    William Arthur Ward

          Fear is a normal reaction of the body to a perceived threat.  Our body protects us by signalling that there may be danger, and then it prepares our body to tackle the threat that may be endangering us.  I think that when taking on a challenge like Ironman, one needs to have a balance of fear and courage so that you can take risks like barreling down a mountain at top speeds on a bike, but your sense of self preservation should make you take precautions that keep you from killing yourself.
          This week I am noticing that there are more times that I am being too cautious and not enough instances of me taking the risks I need to improve.  For example, my new bike is very different than the heavy mountain bike I had been riding. The gears are very different and have been taking a lot of getting used to.  There is nothing like pushing hard up a steep hill only to accidentally put yourself into a gear that nearly stops you still.  Once I even accidentally tapped my brakes instead of changing gears--that was quite a shock, but luckily I was able to stay on my bike. But the thing that worries me most about my bike is how light it is.  It is this lightness that allows the bike to speed down hills at speeds that make me a little uncomfortable.  I guess it doesn't help that in the last few months my husband fell off his bike and broke his shoulder, a fellow biker in our area was killed when he slipped on a patch of sand and hit a tree, and even my bike shop owner recently fell and ended up with quite a few stitches in his leg.
          So today I was riding up a steep mountain road.  We had to share this road with cars, and I was thinking how much more difficult it was going to be heading down the hill trying to keep my speeds at a comfortable level with vehicles whizzing by me.  As I turned my head I saw a rider on the other side of the road headed down without a helmet.  The first thought that popped into my head was, "What an idiot," but it also reminded me that I am taking every precaution to keep myself safe.  I have all the necessary safety equipment, and I checked my tires and other bike parts before I left for my ride to ensure my bike was in tip top shape.  I also think that the more I ride my new bike, the experience will make me more confident in my abilities in and in my bike's capabilities.
          Another area where I think my fear sometimes keeps me from improving is in my swimming.  I have shared how a panic attack at my first triathlon cause me to doggie paddle 800m in my ocean swim, but I think these attacks are also occurring in my practice swims as well.  At first I thought I just needed work on my breathing techniques, but the more I practice, the more I am thinking that my uncomfortableness in the water is a contributing factor to my breathing difficulties.  Again, I think the more time I spend in the water, the more comfortable I will be, and this will regulate my breathing so I can become a stronger swimmer.
          One thing I have learned, especially from my friend Kay lately, is that you can't let fear keep you from doing the things in life that you are passionate about.  I have not let my fears keep me from my new activities, but I know that if I push myself a little harder and get more swimming and biking miles under my belt, I will have a healthier balance between my courage and my fear.  I will complete this Ironman and prove to myself that I am a lot braver woman than I ever thought I could be, but I will still keeping a healthy dose of fear so I can return to my family at the end of this experience in one piece.  I think they might appreciate that. 

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look
fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
                                                        Eleanor Roosevelt

          It is funny how when you are on vacation time seems to not be of any consequence.  I was able to swim, bike, run, tutor six kids two days a week, and still have plenty of time to spend with my family and friends.  Three weeks ago the realities of time finally kicked in.  For some reason (insert sarcastic tone), I cannot seem to fit in everything I need and want to do without feeling absolutely exhausted.  For some reason (again sarcastic) my ten hour work days are making it difficult for me to do everything I found time for this summer.  I am taking my daily supplements, I am sleeping at least seven hours a night, and still, when I wake up at 5:00 am to work out like I have all summer, my body is protesting on a more regular basis than usual.
          And before you ask it--yes, I am taking a rest day, I am eating enough food, and still the alarm seems to be going off a little too early these days.  In fact, there were two days this week that I honestly would have rolled over...only I have a couple of secret weapons.
          First, as I have shared on numerous occasions, my number one weapon against complacency is my exercise friends.  On Tuesday, my alarm went off and, because I wasn't sure if anyone was going to run with me, I actually went back to bed.  About twenty minutes later I got a text from Kay saying she was on her way to my house--so I had to quickly get up, get dressed, and head out the door.  Once I was on the road with Kay I was completely energized and so happy I hadn't skipped my workout.  Everyone needs a collection of secret weapons like I have in Kay, Emily, and Karrie.  I can always count on the three of them to get up with me at God- awful hours so we can get our workout in before our days begin.
          My second secret weapon is a little more complicated to explain.  I basically play tricks on my mind so that I push myself harder even when I don't feel that internal push.  For example, on Friday I needed to practice my swimming.  Because this is the weak leg in my triathlons, I really feel like I cannot afford to miss any of my planned swim dates. But when my alarm went off at 5 am, I just did not feel like putting on my suit and trudging out to my backyard pool to do my workout--especially since it takes eight lengths of my pool just to go 100m.  So I told my lazy self that I needed to get out there and swim, but compromised that I could just do 800m instead of the 1800 I had planned.  One thing I do to keep track of my pool distances is that I use a poker chip to represent every 100m I swim.  Before I begin, I count out the total number of 100's I need to complete and put the chips in a big pile at the edge of the pool.  Every time I do 100m, I move a chip from the pile and place it on the right in a completed pile. 
          For this swim, even though I had told myself I only needed to swim 800m (eight chips), I put my usual eighteen chips down, just in case.  When I finished my 800m I looked at that pile of ten uncompleted chips on the left, and I couldn't bring myself to have a smaller pile of eight completed chips.  So, I thought I would just do another 200m to make it an even 1000m, and before I knew it I had completed the entire 1800m by convincing myself to do 200 more meters each time.
          We all have times where it is not easy to get out there and do what our bodies need to stay fit.  The trick is that you have to find ways to get yourself up and out because once you get going, it is less likely you will go back and curl up in your bed for a few more minutes sleep. You are welcome to borrow my secret weapons (exercise buddies and tricking your mind), but I bet you have some secret weapons of your own. I would love for you to share them with all my readers so that we can all build up a reserve of secret weapons to keep us going on the road to the more flabulous versions of of our current selves.