I know it might sound a little strange considering what she is going through right now, but I often turn to my friend Kay to maintain my positive attitude.  Despite the stress that this new cancer journey has put upon her life, each day she posts something that reminds everyone in her sphere of influence that happiness is a choice.  She chooses to be happy. She chooses to love life.  She chooses to maintain a positive attitude and her attitude is contagious.
         I am not a dancer.  About the only time I can let loose enough to allow others to see me dance is when I drink, and since I don't drink either, catching me dancing is like spotting the Loch Ness Monster or happening across Big Foot on your weekend hike. Despite this fact, Kay's post about making stumbling a part of your dance routine resonated with me this week.  Maybe it is because some of my favorite movies involve dancing--Grease, Footloose, and my all time favorite, Dirty Dancing.  You might find it ironic that I love dancing movies but dislike actually dancing, but when you know me well you realize that at heart I am a very insecure person, especially when it involves my body. It sounds silly, but I feel like everyone is watching me when I dance, much like I sometimes feel that all eyes are on my continually changing body size.   
         Right now I am a stumbling mess, but I continue to throw my arms up and move in gratitude for all that is going well in my life.  So what if I am not in fighting shape right now, I know that focussing on the negative will not change things, so I choose to remain positive and grateful for all that I have and consider my stumbling a part of the dance that is my life. 
         I have an amazing family and a strong network of friends that love me even if I am more roly-poly than usual.  I am not where I want to be right now, but this does not change who I am inside.  I think my biggest flaw is not my weight...it is my continued focus on that weight that brings me down.  I must admit that I am so much better than I used to be.  In the past these little fluctuations would throw me into eating disorder mode. Now I just get all complainy and whiney on my blog--sorry readers, but this way of dealing with my feelings is much better for my health.  I hope that when I stumble and write about it someone else will be inspired to take a more positive slant with difficulties in their own lives.  
         The great thing about all this support is that while I stumble through my dance, I have many people that inspire me to keep moving forward.  I may have lost a little of my own drive, but watching my friends and family push themselves inspires me to keep trying. I have three friends that are now working toward their first Ironman length races, and I can proudly say that they saw me accomplish my dream and now have started on their own journey.  I am inspired by so many of you, and I thank you for inspiring me to move forward in my journey.
         The beauty about life and this journey is that sometimes we are the inspiration that inspires others to make changes, and sometimes we look to others to inspire us to do better and to push ourselves--even those that we do not know personally.  As I sit here and write this blog, I am watching my favorite Sunday morning show, CBS This Morning. And as I worry about how to get the "healthy me" mojo back, I am reminded about how small my "problem" is in the whole scheme of what is going on in the world and what others are having to deal with. At least I am still able to dance, no matter how much I stumble.  The show this morning highlighted a 19 year-old girl named Lauren Hill that has a true, not within her control issue to deal with.  She has terminal brain cancer. She has a real reason to stumble and yet this girl, weeks away from her life being over, is fulfilling her dream of playing college basketball. Despite being incredibly sick, she goes to early morning practices and is set to play in her very first college game next weekend.  Want to be inspired?  Think about anything you are facing right now and realize that it could be worse...much, much worse. Not to minimize what we are all going through, but I think that putting things into perspective can remind us to push forward through the challenges we are facing.  Lauren Hill's Story
         So this week I am putting things into perspective and finding inspiration all around me.  I may stumble around a bit at times, but I will continue to make it a part of my dance.  Right now I may be sitting in the corner watching others dance around, but to quote one of my favorite lines from Dirty Dancing, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!"  I will be out of my corner soon and dancing around not caring a bit what others are thinking about me. I will just enjoy the dance and hope my dance will once again encourage others to join me on the floor.

         It's been rough.  It's been a downhill slide since Hawaii, and I can't seem to pull myself out of this downward spiral.  I just don't feel like my usual healthy, positive self.  I have always had difficulties with eating unhealthy foods in unreasonable portions, but my exercise...I had that down.  I love to exercise, but even that hasn't brought me the same joy it usually does. 
         I often share how I feel like my journey is like a road trip.  Usually I am flowing safely and smoothly down the road, no traffic in sight and no hazards to stop my forward momentum.  Then out of nowhere the traffic begins to slow and I am forced off the road on a detour.  I need to find my way back to the straight and narrow. I know the next onramp is around the next corner, but I seem to be missing my usual motivation, enthusiasm, and love of all things related to moving my body, which makes getting back on track so much more difficult these days.
         I have been trying to analyze why the landscape is so littered with hazards lately, and I have narrowed it down to two main problems: complacency and time.  These two things are killing me lately and not helping me make positive food and exercise decisions.
         The first problem is occurring because what has made me so successful in the past is my diligence.  I am usually diligent about the amount and kinds of food I put in my mouth.  I actually love fruits, veggies, healthy grains, and lean meats, but the problem is I also love chocolate, ice cream, and donuts in equal proportions. When I was in Hawaii I let my self go so I could experience the food and the culture, but I have been unable to successfully get back to my normal eating habits since then.
         I have also not been as diligent with my exercise as usual.  My normal is working out 5-6 times a week, and lately I have hardly been able to eek out three consistent days.  I know this is not terrible, but when my eating is off as well, this complacency is a recipe for disaster.  Part of it is due to the fact that once school starts, everyone's schedules change and it makes it more difficult for my training buddies to meet me for our running, spinning, and swimming dates.  I know it is a weakness, but I don't like working out by myself.  If no one can meet me, I am more likely to catch up on work instead of training on my lonesome.  
         This leads me to the second problem that I think is making things so difficult for me these days.  Time has not been on my side.  The days seem so short, and I can't seem to catch up with anything.  There are times I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make more hours in every day.  That way I could get my work done, find time to meet my friends for playdates, and have ample time to do the running, biking, and swimming I love so much.  I am going to bed late, waking up in the middle of the night thinking of things I need to do, and not getting the enormous amount of sleep my body seems to need.  All of these factors make it difficult for me to be my usual perky, energetic self.
         I am not sure what the answer is, yet, but I do know that to get back on the road to flabulous. I need to avoid the inevitable road hazards. I need to be more careful with the food I consume and increase the number of days I get my body moving.  It is that simple and yet so very complicated at the same time. I am happy to have you all to spill my heart to, because I already feel so much better.  All I can ask of myself is that I work consistently on getting back to where I was.  I am not sure how I can get more time, but I will work on what I can control first, and that will at least move me in a positive direction once again.

         Because I consider this blog a diary of sorts, on occasion I will post more than one blog a week or even more than one in 24 hours like this morning.  Today, my heart is full. Often when we use this saying it is because we are content or happy, however, this morning my heart is full for many different reasons. My heart is full of love, admiration, and pride, but it is also full of anger, frustration, and questions as to why good people have to go through such amazingly difficult times.
         Today my friends Jim and Kay begin another journey they did not ask to be a part of.  I am so angry that they once again have to gather all their strength to fight an enemy that does not fight fair. I know that life is not fair...I just feel that when you have two such wonderful people, one unscheduled cancer journey should be plenty. I am also frustrated that Kay has finally been cleared to go back to work and do what she loves, what she is meant to do. Now she is being asked to try to split herself in two to not only be the fabulous teacher but also to be the loving support to Jim that he needs and deserves. And while I know that the "whys" don't help anything, they keep floating around my brain and heart anyway.
         I must also share that while I have all these strong negative emotions this morning, I am also full of love for two people who give of themselves freely in so many ways. They are the first to think of kind ways to support others.  Once I was too sick to run for more than a week, and Kay made me healing soup and dropped off a crockpot full on my porch, and this was when she herself was feeling so weak from her cancer treatments--who does that?!  KAY!!
         I also admire the way Kay, despite all the crap she is going through lately, can keep up a positive attitude. Her daily posts of inspiration on Facebook keep so many of us going on a daily basis. If Kay can find the silver lining in all of this, how can any of us complain about the little curve balls that life throws at us?
         Finally, my heart is so full of pride that I have surrounded myself with such amazing people that I can call friends.  Behind the scenes, Jim and Kay's cancer warriors are preparing to support this loving couple in any way we can. My final reason for posting this morning is that I am once again calling all my friends, all my family, all my blog readers to pray, support, and love on these two every day as they fight this horrible battle against an even more aggressive and terrible cancer than Kay faced in her last round. 
         This morning as my eyes are filled with tears and my heart is full of such strong emotions, I choose to stay positive and take on a warrior stance to support Jim and Kay. Tomorrow the fight begins--know that you are not alone Jim and Kay. The Mueller Army is behind you and ready to fight until cancer raises the white flag and realizes that it messing with the wrong couple.  Love will conquer all!

        This week I was reading a book on hibernation with one of the reading groups I work with.  As we read through the text I began to think about the fact that every year, once the calendar moves toward winter, my body goes through an unwelcome change that comes from deep within.  While it happens every year, I am still surprised each and every time how it sneaks up on me unnoticed. And here we are, less than two weeks into fall and already my body is beginning to dig deep within and channel my inner bear--it's hibernation time again, or so my body seems to think.
        Now the problem is that the theory behind hibernation is that because of the harsh winters, an animal finds it difficult to locate the scarce nutrients it needs to survive through the harsh winter season. Herein lies the problem--food is not scare in the McCarthy world, we are nowhere near winter, and in California today, we are suffering through a heat wave that will take us past one hundred degrees. 
        Another problem is that I can't afford to start storing fat this early in the season, because I am already at my winter fluff capacity. And the sad thing is that this capacity was reached before my official school summer break ended in early August. 
        The other key to hibernation is that a hibernating animal's heart rate and breathing slows down so that the animal's energy use is at a minimum. My inner bear is also trying to slow down my energy use by tempting me to snuggle down and nest in my cave of blankets instead of working out. If someone is waiting for me in the morning, I can resist, but if I have to work out on my own, I have succumb to that siren called my inner bear at least three times in the last two weeks. 
        This morning I actually rolled out of bed at 5 am before the sun was even thinking of getting up.  However, my inner bear was alive and kicking trying to convince me to put off my run.  "You can't run yet, you need to stretch first (really an excuse to be able to lay on the floor)." "Do you really think you can run without your morning coffee (really an excuse to sit on my lounge chair and watch the morning news shows). "Why don't you just wait for a bit...maybe Kay will want to run with you (really an excuse to not run by myself)." "If you wait just thirty minutes more you can switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer (really getting desperate now--choosing laundry instead of exercising). And one final desperate attempt to not leave my cave, "Maybe if I wait a bit more Sean will get up and he'll want to run with me!"
        That's when I had to once again channel my inner bear.  Luckily I am a gemini, and while I have a lazy, hibernating kind of side, I also have a fierce, stubborn side that can take over as well. So I decided that not only would I run instead of laze around, I chose a challenging uphill course to remind my lazy bear side that I cannot be taken down that easily. I pushed myself 5.5 miles up and down my course and managed a pace of just under 10 minutes/mile, which is good for me, especially when I am pushing the incline.  Partway up the hill, one of my favorite Bruno Mars tunes began to play, and I had to chuckle at the irony of the lyrics:
         Today I don't feel like doing anything
         I just wanna lay in my bed
         Don't feel like picking up my phone
         So leave a message at the tone
         'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything.
         Today I was able to resist my lazy inner bear, push up that hill, and get those good endorphins coursing through my body. It is these good feelings that I need to focus in on when I am tempted to fluff up for the winter or skip my workouts. This urge to hibernate needs to be resisted--hoping my stubborn will to succeed and the support and encouragement of my family and friends can pull me through another winter (well, really fall and winter), so that I can finally put this inner bear to rest for good.