This weekend it got real!  Not to say that the midnight and 3am runs, the crazy 90-mile weeks, and waking up before 4am most days was easy, but yesterday, the reality of what I am training for was clarified.  Yesterday, Coach Ed, Zero to 100-Mile Hero teammate Debbie Jett, and my ultra marathon sidekick Gabby, and I hit the streets of Norco, California to run the first 25-mile miles of the actual course we will be running for the Endurance Challenge 100 race in October. 

For 144 days we had been training for this, and yet I was still nervous.  Coach Ed runs with me and my running buddies on weekdays, but he has never actually seen me on my long-mile runs.  He is a very positive Coach, and he would never criticize my efforts, but after all the time and effort he has put into our team I really didn't want to disappoint him. Deep breaths...and off we went.  Gabby and I had gone to the end of the course to drop our cars off so we didn't have to run the 27+ miles back, and thanks to the fact that CalTrans has decided to start EVERY freeway construction project at the exact same time, our group actually had to start our run 15 minutes after the rest of the other runners.

We were lucky.  Until we actually reached the Santa Ana River Trail entrance, the skies were covered with think overcast clouds.  However, once the clouds burned off, it was HOT! It was a beautiful course, but there were very few shady portions to protect us. We had to stop more often than usual for water breaks to cool down and re-energize to enable us to continue our relentless forward motion. The company was great! For over 18 miles a fellow EC100 racer, Ray, kept us entertained with his music that floated out of his backpack speakers.  Thanks Ray!  You really helped us stay positive throughout those miles!

In case you didn't know this, Coach Ed is a minor celebrity around these parts. Throughout our jaunt, we would hear shouts from bikers and runners alike, "Hey Ed!  There's the Jester!  Love your hat! Can I get a picture with you, Ed?" The great thing about Ed is that he is completely humble about his contribution to our running community. For years he has been cheering marathoners at both the start and finish of their races, and he even waits for the last runners to be sure they get the accolades they deserve for finishing...no matter how long it take them to finish.  And then there is this whole experiment with coaching six first-time 100-mile hopefuls to their first 100-mile finish...

But to us, Ed is Coach Ed. And on the course yesterday he was such a support to us all!  He pushed a buggy filled with ice, water, and snacks for the entire 28-mile run and dispensed wise hints and suggestions the entire way.  And while all three girls made it the entire way to our final stop at Denny's, there were definitely lessons we learned because of this training run:

• Nutrition: We could have all done a better job on our nutrition.  I brought Stinger chews, chocolate covered espresso beans, and that was just about it.  Debbie brought more substantial food like avocado and watermelon. Gels were not enough fuel and, duh, chocolate melts and makes everything else in the same bag a mess.  Debbie's food was smart, but she needed to eat more frequently.  Ed brought a snack made by his amazing wife, Martha--lightly roasted raw coconut and cashews with a little honey, sea salt, and sesame seeds, YUM!  Next practice leg I will try watermelon, avocado, Martha's yummy coconut/cashew snack, and some peaches.  Not sure how we got on peaches, but at about mile 20 we all were craving a nice, juicy peach!
• Sun Protection: I did use sunscreen before the run, but I never thought to reapply and today I am paying the price. I have a pretty, bright-red colored neck (back and front) and shoulders.  It is still a little hot to the touch, but I got lucky it wasn't a worse burn considering the blazing sun that burned down on us for almost five hours yesterday! I will be reapplying that sunscreen more often on my next run.
• Foot Care: You all know how paranoid I am of blisters after my Texas-sized beauties at Nanny Goat, but I still have a thing or two to learn.  My feet were fine with the A&D slathering, Ballega two-layer socks, and larger shoes, but Debbie ended up with a nice, pebble-sized blood blister.  Ed suggested Running Goo on her feet, and Debbie plans on going a half-size larger on her next pair of shoes.  It is amazing how much your feet swell when you run ridiculous miles!
• Give Back to Others: After over seven hours on the course and eating a well-deserved meal at our Denny's meeting spot, we were all anxious to head home to our families.  As we walked to our car a woman approached us and asked us if we were with the EC100 race.  Her husband had started 3 1/2 hours after all the other runners, and he was still about three miles out.  Without much thought, Coach Ed headed out to run in this last runner, and we all waited to cheer him on at the finish. It is amazing how certain things are meant to be, but we were meant to meet this amazing couple.  From this experience we all learned the importance of giving back to a sport that has given us all so much.  Heck, I truly believe that running saved the former 230-pound sedentary person I used to be--how can I ever pay someone back for my life? Thanks Coach for the most important lesson I have learned throughout this wonderfully crazy journey!

It has been a rough two weeks.  School started which means long work days, I am running crazy miles to prepare for my 100-miler, and the hole left in my heart by D's loss has been harder to bear than I thought it would be. I am trying to focus on ways to make D's life meaningful by helping other students like him to stay hopeful despite the inevitable struggles life sends their way. I know that over time the hurt will ease, but in the meantime I do need to share all that is going well right now.

For almost 140 days I have had the pleasure of being coached by the most amazingly inspirational ultra marathon runner, Coach Ed Ettinghausen.  I knew I was going to grow through this process, but I expected physical growth along the lines of greater endurance and increasing my speed.  What I didn't expect was how he has helped us all grow mentally.  I say helped US ALL, because when I hit the jackpot and tricked him into training me, not only have the Zero to 100 Mile Hero team benefitted from Ed's guidance, but all my running buddies have also been able to grow as well.  If you run with Ed you can't help but learn something about yourself. I am still pinching myself that I am so lucky to live so close to Ed and to be trained by such a wise runner.

I've learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I ran almost 90 miles this week including 36 this weekend alone.  I learned that I can run late at night, early in the morning, whatever it takes to get it done--I am capable of doing whatever needs to be tackled in order to get the miles in. 

From Coach Ed I have also learned that when life throws an obstacle your way, don't let that obstacle keep you from following your dreams.  About a month ago, the race that my team had been training for was cancelled.  It would have been easy at that point to throw our hands up and give in. Surely that was a sign that our journey was over, right?  But while I was disappointed, I knew deep down that Coach Ed would figure it out for us.  He does not take no for an answer, and he found a way to fix even this seemingly unfixable situation.  Ed found another ultra marathon runner to take over the EC100 race as our Race Director...and so, the exact race we were running before is going on as scheduled and with a few additional improvements as well. Endurance Challenge 100

The final thing I've learned is that if you dedicate your run for others, it can give you that motivation to push through the rough spots. I continue to be impressed by Ed's running, but his finish at this weekend's 100-mile Run-de-Vous was amazingly inspiring. Ed was running in honor of his good friend Dr. Moses Christian who began running marathons when he turned 62, and has run 181 marathons since then. Dr. C. is not doing well, so Coach Ed decided to dedicate this run to him.  Coach finished first place overall after completing 100 miles in 16 hours and 55 minutes.  He had a mission and not even triple digit temperatures would stop him. 

I have been thinking about this for the last two weeks and I have decided that I am dedicating my 100-mile finish to D.  He was proud, and dare I say even impressed, by the miles I was putting in. I know he would have been so excited to see me finish those 100 miles, so this one's for you D!

In the last three years, four of my close friends have lost sons to tragic accidents.  It has been a rough three years in this department, but this last lost son was even more personal. This child was like my own (see eulogy below), and I am left experiencing so many raw emotions that it is hard to know how to feel.  

One thing that I remember one of these friends sharing with me at the beginning of her loss journey was how hard it was to watch everyone else's lives moving on while her life had changed forever.  She told me that every morning the sun comes up and starts a new day like nothing happened, and yet her life would never be the same life she had before.  As I, too, go through an all-be-it much less-intense version of this journey, I am left to wonder why doesn't the sun understand? Why doesn't the sun see that D is gone and the world without him is just a little less bright?

Now, I know that these are just strong emotions that will dampen with time and that over the next few months I will learn to gain some perspective and place these emotions in a healthy place, for now I need to channel these raw emotions into something positive. So I have decided that to honor D's memory, I will do two things.  

First, being a teacher, I really want to make sure that education is a legacy that D's loss leaves behind.  Another family friend and I have set up a scholarship in his name that will go to students like D that are faced with challenges and continue to persevere.  D spent his whole life climbing over obstacles in education and sports, and we want to honor students just like D as they move on to trade schools, city colleges, or four-year colleges. If you would like to donate to D's memorial scholarship, please message me so I can give you details.

In addition, I feel a deep obligation to ensure that no other family goes through what D's family is going through right now. I love this child and all the wonderful days I spent with him, but I do NOT love this decision he made. So I spent that last week running through my eulogy as I attempted to find the right words to get my message across while also respecting the family and not saying anything that would cause them further hurt.  Below, find the words that I spoke.  I hope these words will save at least one other child from thinking life is so rough that they need to end it.  Life is too precious!

                                                                For D

I have known D since he was six years old. I had the privilege of becoming his tutor at the end of kindergarten, and I worked with him one to two times a week for the last 11 years. One thing that never changed about D is that he has always been a sweet, kind, young man. He was quiet and reserved, but he had a great sense of humor. For example, D would often walk into our Bruin household with his USC colors shining bright. He would walk in with a smirk just daring me to say something. And yes, D, I am wearing your Fight On lanyard today for you and Sean is allowing it.

Because D was always quiet and reserved, sometimes in a classroom setting it might have appeared as if he was disinterested or not caring what was going on in the classroom—but I want his teachers to know that he did care, deeply—I know because of the conversations I had a chance to have with D about what he was learning once we had a chance to process it.

Another thing that people might not be aware about with D is that because of his learning disabilities school was always a struggle for him. Reading, writing, and math did not come easily to him, so he often had to work two or three times as hard and spend two or three times the amount of time as the typical student. The great thing about D was that he ALWAYS worked hard and last year I am proud to say that all his effort paid off in reading because he finally reached a proficient reading level. He even spent the summer reading books for pleasure. That's when I knew I had him where I wanted him with reading. School is sometimes like a marathon race where we only celebrate the elite athletes who finish the race in under three hours—but we don’t often celebrate the people who work just as hard to finish the race in 6, or 7 or 8 hours or more.  They have to put in even more effort and time and perhaps courage to succeed, yet we may even mock their efforts because of how long it takes them to finish.  I had so much admiration for the true grit D showed me by never giving up no matter how much he struggled.  I wish we celebrated the perseverance that D and other students like him put forth as much as we did students for whom school came easy.

The last thing about D and school is that he never wanted to ask for help. His mom and I would always encourage him to ask the teachers questions if he didn't understand, but he often told us that he just didn't want to bother them. I find it very sad that this same characteristic seems to have carried over into his emotional life as well. I am heartbroken that D didn't ask us for help. As I look out on this audience filled with teenagers, I cannot miss this opportunity to convey to you what I wish I would have imparted more strongly to D.

First of all, if you are thinking that life is better without you, please understand that the hole you leave in our lives is so deep that it is going to be difficult for us to fill back in. You matter! You make a difference! And no world without you will be a better place!

The second thing I think you need to understand is that in life we are going to face obstacles, and sometimes these obstacles will seem insurmountable. But don't give up on yourself--learn to jump higher, find a way to move around the obstacles, or build a ladder to scale over them. D spent his life trying to climb over those educational obstacles, I just wish he had hung on a little longer because he was almost there.

Finally, it is important to understand that you need to reach out to others.  If you are feeling sad, if you are feeling as if you do not measure up, if you feel as if you can't possibly go on, you need to talk to someone. It is not a weakness to ask for help! If you don’t, we are left wondering what we could have done, how we could've missed the signs, what we could have done to help. Please ask for help—you are absolutely, NEVER a bother! I spent two hours a week one-on-one with D all summer long, and he never once let me know that he was struggling.

We loved having D in our lives, as part of our family, and we will try to Fight On without him—he will always be in our hearts!

My heart is breaking right now.  I don't know how to feel, but I wanted to get a message out in case this information can help anyone else.  Today, a student who is like one of my own children, decided that life was too tough, and he took his own life.  I am not ready to talk about it, but I ask that you please send prayers to his family.  I need you all to take this message to heart--don't be ashamed to admit that you need help!

First, you need to realize that in life we all fail--heck, I have had some major epic fails in my life, and I bet I'll have some more in the very near future.  I think in our society we spend so much time protecting our kids from failure that we forget to remind them that losing is okay. In sports we spend time protecting our kids from the lessons that can be learned from reflecting on failures and using that knowledge to improve our practice. We need to tell our children that some of the best lessons we learn in life come from times when we fail.  There is no shame in failing!

Next, as a society we need to stop making people feel bad for feeling "weak." It's okay to feel sad, and if it that feeling gets overwhelming we need to ask for help.  There is NO shame in admitting that we don't have it all together. I wish this incredibly wonderful kid had told us that he was struggling.  There were no signs and we are all left to feel horrible that we didn't notice.  How could we not see how helpless he must have felt? Please, please let your family and friends know that there is nothing so horrible that they can't share with us. Sadness is not a weakness that should be hidden, and if you need help PLEASE ask for it!

If you can take anything away from this, please make sure that your children, your family, and your friends know that you are there for them no matter what!  I don't want one other person to feel the way his family feels right now. Prayers for his family please!