I used to care a lot about what people thought of me, especially in the looks department.  I have grown up a lot over the last few years and I have discovered that the only person I need to please is myself.  The problem is that once I realized that, I then needed to work on loving myself, because I can also be one of my harshest critics.  I can very easily look in the mirror and find tons of little flaws: my hair is too straight, my tummy too big, my thighs too dimply and stretch marky, my butt too round, and the list could go on and on.  

I had a breakthrough this week.  I looked in the mirror, and despite a few extra pounds I have not been able to shed, despite the fact that I am rounder than I was at the end of the summer, I actually saw my reflection in the mirror and was able to look beyond those things and pay myself a compliment. "Hello reflection of me...you look strong!"  This might seem like a minor experience, but for me, this is big step forward. I was actually kind to myself.

I looked at myself and was able to take myself as I am right now and be completely content.  This is huge for me!  I know this sounds pretty sad, but there have been very few times in my life where I loved me for me.  I have never felt good enough, always felt that I have to fix this flaw or that imperfection, but I am finding that more days than not lately, I am happy with myself.  I am healthy, I am strong, and I am a pretty tough cookie when it comes to pushing myself to my limits.  I am proud of my progress and I plan to spend more time in 2015 being kind to myself.

Today all my running buddies took on Surf City for my 23rd half-marathon.  Emily, Kay, and my husband Sean ran the half marathon, and Mark ran his first full marathon, with Gabby and Joe doing the full as well.  It was wonderful to have all my morning running support there with me, but we were without Kay's husband Jim who continues to fight and recover from his throat cancer treatments.  Today we all ran as Team Mueller to remind Jim and Kay that they are not alone.  

I think a big part of why I have grown so much over the last few years is that I have been forced to put things in perspective.  It is important to keep myself healthy, but life is too fragile to focus on the superficial. How I look is so very unimportant in the scheme of things, and I hope that I can encourage others to remember to be kind to yourselves and accept who you are as you work to improve your health, because if you aren't kind to yourself, then who will be?

February 1, 2015--Bounty From "The Box"

This week I could hardly wait for my box to arrive.  I was able to order more of those watermelon radishes, another package of those Japanese mushrooms, some blood oranges, and along with a few other goodies, I ordered something I have never before eaten--Jerusalem artichokes also know as sunchokes.  Now I am a huge artichoke fan, but these are completely different.  They look like a ginger root, but tastes like a potato, but much nuttier.  I roasted it with a little olive oil spray, salt, pepper, and a dash of ground thyme.  I can't wait to experiment more with these because they were delicious--they had a caramelized skin and sweet flesh that went well with our baked chicken breasts. I do need to find a way to cut them more uniformly so they roast evenly, because some where just slightly underdone, but still tasty.  Here is a link to a recipe for roasting Jerusalem artichokes.

I think at some time in all our lives we must all go through what I have been experiencing over the last month. I set a goal for myself, and then in hindsight wonder if I have aimed too high.  Doubt creeps in.  And to make it more stressful for me, I publicly announce on Facebook and in my blog this huge far-reaching goal--which means I won't take it back.  That's how I am and why I make it all public.  It keeps me accountable to pushing myself to my limits and not allowing myself to minimize what I am capable of.

This hundred-mile race has been this doubt generating event for me.  I am sure I felt some of these same jitters as I trained for my full Ironman, but I had no Plan B for Ironman.  What I mean by that is that on the day of my Vineman, I either completed the full Ironman or I didn't--there was no option for bumping back to the half-Ironman on that day.  With the Nanny Goat Ultra Marathon I am training for, I have lots of outs and temptations to stop if I feel the need.  First, it costs the same amount to do the 50-miler or the 100-miler and both events start at the same time and on the same day.  On that day if I get to 50 miles and decide to stop there, I could. Also, this course is a one-mile loop and each loop bring you back to your area that you set-up for nutrition and support. That means that every mile, your mind has the opportunity to lull you into quitting.  This is big for me. I usually plan routes where I go out halfway out so that I have to finish my run to get back home. Psychologically, this is what I have to do for my long runs to keep me going.

This week I was searching for some kind of sign that would show me that I am tough enough to push through and complete 100 miles in a 24-hour period. I needed inspiration!  Luckily I had three signs within a twelve-hour period that gave me peace and made me realize that if I train, I CAN do this!

First, for months my running buddies have been telling me that I need to watch the documentary Desert Runners on Netflix.  Last weekend I finally made the time to do so.  Now I know that crazy is relative, but after watching the journey of four runners trying to finish four 250K events in four of the most inhospitable deserts on Earth in a one-year period of time, I realized that my crazy does not compare with their crazy. They first ran through the Atacama Desert in Chile, where it has not rained in 400 years.  They then ran through the Gobi Desert in China, the Sahara in Egypt, and finally they ran in Antarctica.  Just watching this movie made me realize that the Nanny Goat is within my reach if I put in the training needed, because my crazy is oh so much less crazy than these desert runners!

Then the morning after watching the movie I woke up to a Facebook post by one of my triathlon inspirations that made me realize that we all have our doubts and that for the most part, they are primarily all in our minds. Jessica is a dynamo that, like me, realizes the power of really putting in the training miles and hours necessary to complete any event you plan to compete in.  Jessica is the one who reminded me during Ironman training that I need to train to be alone and that always having friends with me on my swims, bikes, and rides would not adequately prepare me for the amount of time I would be out on the Vineman course by myself.  Because of her advice, I did not freak out on the last part of my Ironman run when I had no light source, no jacket, and no one to keep me company. I powered through because I trained for it! In her current post she shared that the century bike ride was the hurdle she needed to get over before her Ultra Ironman event.  Here is what she posted (permission from Jessica to share):

It was helpful to see that even Jessica doubts herself sometimes, and this gave me the encouragement I need to just push through, which is where sign number three comes in.  Last Sunday I ran the Carlsbad Half Marathon in a respectable 2:20:04, but I knew that the 13.1 miles I completed was not enough training to prepare me for my ultra.  So, the very next day after the race, I planned to run 8 miles with my friend Mark to support his 12-mile full marathon training run.  I think what surprised me most was how amazing I felt both with the lack or soreness and my energy level.  In the end I ran almost 10 miles and my pace was even faster that the previous day's half-marathon pace.  I proved to myself that I could do two back-to-back long runs and still be capable of running the next week's needed weekday miles for my training.  This was huge for me!

What I learned this week was that I need to push the doubt aside and trust in my training plans and my body's ability to adapt if I train properly.  The three signs I received this week have given me the needed confidence I was looking for to push me through. I am not saying that doubt will not return again, but now I have the power to banish it to the sidelines if it decides to invade my mind again.

For the most part, I try to vary my races so that I can explore new locations and run new courses to keep myself from being bored with my running routine.  But over the years there have been a few that have become traditions for various reasons.  I do the San Diego Half Marathon in March every year because I ran the inaugural race in 2012, and then this event has since become my race to run in honor of Kay and her battle with cancer.  I also run the Oceanside Turkey Trot 5-miler every Thanksgiving morning and I have run the Scripps Ranch Old Pro 10K on July 4th for the last five years.  I run these two races because I get to run these each year with my Team in Training mentor Stephanie.

Tomorrow I will be participating in my 22nd half-marathon, and I will be running the Carlsbad course for the third year in a row.  I ran my first and only full-marathon here two years ago, so this race holds a special place in my heart.  The scenery is amazing running along the Pacific Coast, and I always come across a ton of my friends that I have met over the years, which is always great for someone as social as I am.

But this race will be special for a different reason this year.  Kay's husband Jim was supposed to run this race, but instead Kay, Gabby, and I will be running to honor Jim's fight with throat cancer. He is not strong enough this year to run it himself, so we will run in his place until he is strong enough to run it himself next year. The girls will be conquering Carlsbad tomorrow just as Jim will be conquering his cancer in 2015!

As I reflect on my races, I am so proud of all that I have accomplished.  I went from an over-weight, unhappy, couch potato to an exercise loving, race-addicted, blog-writing, fitness lover.  I have my ups and downs, but overall I have enjoyed every minute of this crazy journey. Thank you all for coming along with me over the years!  I appreciate all the support and look forward to sharing all my ultra marathon adventures with you over the next six months--it should be an interesting experience!

I must admit that this week I let fear take over. I have been fighting a chest cold, but I know that if I want to be ready for my ultra marathon I need to follow the training plan and not skip runs. More than that, I have been doubting that I am even ready for the Week 1 running I need to accomplish (42 miles total for the week), which means I really need to keep up with my consistent training sessions. At times like this, all my doubting voices come out in concert to undermine my confidence.

What threw me over the edge this week was running in Lake Tahoe. I should have been proud of myself for running despite not feeling 100%, despite not sleeping well at night, and despite the weather being 26 degrees.  I should have been happy with the fact that I got out there and attempted to do a 5-miler on Monday morning and an 8-miler on Wednesday. But instead of pride all I got was fear and self-doubt. I had two of the worst runs I have had in years. My chest was tight, I couldn't catch my breathe, and I felt like I walked more than I ran on these runs--perfect recipe for breaking down mentally.

To a lesser degree I also let fear come into my head about my eating as well. What if I can't get my eating back under control? What if I can't get this extra fluff off me before the ultra marathon? What if? WHAT IF???

Luckily, this food control negativity was short-lived, which is actually progress for me. I have a plan, and this means I am in control. I will get back to planning my meals for the week, shopping for healthy food over the weekend so that I can bring good snacks and lunches to work, and trying to eliminate all chocolate, which I know is my trigger food for all my crazy binge eating episodes. I came across this blog on meal planning that I thought might be helpful if anyone out there has made consistent meal planning one of their goals for 2015. This blog had some really good tips and suggestions for making small changes to move you in the right direction. Meal Planning Blog

Another success in the face of this fear that I let creep in is that I am not letting these runs keep me down. When I went back and researched the area I was running, I realized that this part of Tahoe is at almost 6500 elevation, and I tend to have difficulty with altitude until I get acclimated. Not to make excuses, but cold weather plus chest cold plus elevation makes it reasonable for me to have a tough run, or two.  It does not define my ability to train and be ready for a long distance race that is more than four months out.

I also got out on Saturday and ran support for my friend Mark that needed to complete one last 20-miler before his very first full marathon at Surf City. I ended up running over 18 miles with him and I kept up a consistent pace the whole time, the exact opposite of my Tahoe runs.  In addition, I got up today and I am hardly sore at all considering the number of miles I put in yesterday.  This is progress!

For those of you that get frustrated with how I sometimes appear to be harsh with myself, understand that I share these real emotions so that I can take the power away from those negative thoughts. This is real! We all have times when we are afraid, but what is most important is how we react to that inevitable fear. Do we lie down and give into the fear by giving up, or do we tackle it head on and make plans to push that fear back to make room for our successes? I for one know that there will be other times that fear may surface, but I know that with  my consistent training, with my support system surrounding me, with all the encouragement I have on my side, fear doesn't have a chance to keep me down for long!

I am not one who believes in making New Year's resolutions. Often times we make those changes and within a month we are right back to where we were before. For the last few years, instead of making an official resolution, I reflect on my year and figure out how I can refine areas to improve my practice.

As I reflected on my year, I was very proud of the amount of workouts I was able to accomplish. In 2014, I continued to swim, bike, and run on a consistent basis so that I would not lose all the foundation I had built up in all three sports during my Ironman training. I took part in running races from 5Ks all the way to half marathons throughout the year. I did feel, however, that I needed something big on my schedule for 2015 to keep me moving forward. That is why I signed up for the Nanny Goat 100-mile running event.

One area of my fitness I know I did not pay enough attention to in 2014 is my strength. I really need to increase my core if I want to continue to run the number of miles I need to train for an ultra marathon. I also need to build up the muscles in my arms--I am noticing that with all three sports if my arms were stronger I would be able to increase my endurance and for swimming I could also increase my speed.

As far as my eating, I have not been secretive about the struggles I have experienced throughout this year. I know that this needs to be a focus as well as my exercise for 2015. I really need to get back on MyFitnessPal and continue to log what I eat, because that accountability really makes me stop and think before I put food in my mouth. I am hoping that once I get back from winter break that my schedule will become more regular and that I can start getting on a consistent healthy eating schedule.

And given all of this, I have started myself off on the right foot for 2014. I had my first run for the year on January 2nd.  Despite the crazy snow that covered my area two days before the new year, I got out in the cold, muddy terrain behind my house and got a 4-mile trail run in through snow and thick, thick mud. 

I have signed up for official races in each month of the new year leading up to my 100-miler. I will be doing the Carlsbad Half in January, Surf City Half in February, the San Diego Half in March, the Ragnar relay race in April, and then the Nanny Goat at the end of May. In between I will be running a ton of training miles, fitting in some swimming and bike riding, and doing some smaller length races along the way.

I know I have mentioned this before, but I have an amazing chiropractor that pushes me back into place when I break my body down throughout the year.  What I haven's mentioned enough is that he also offers a reasonably priced running analysis.  He videotapes you from the back and side views and offers suggestions for how to improve your running form so that you can increase your speed, but more importantly, good running form prevents injuries. For the next three months I will be working on three things: 1) Making sure I shorten my gait a bit and watching that my foot is striking more mid-foot; 2) Making sure that my knees are slightly bent when they hit the ground--right now I am locking my knees as they strike; 3) Making sure my arms are driving my movement not my trunk--I am also losing energy by swinging my arms in front of me instead of swinging them by my side.  My chiropractor, Dr. Timar, also gave me specific exercise to help me achieve these goals. 

Just like I shared in last week's blog, it helps to set specific goals, plan small goals that will help you reach that larger goal, and then research the ways to achieve those goals.  I really feel like I am starting 2015 off on the right foot by setting the goal of completing a 100-mile race, planning specific ways to increase my strength to support my running, and then researching ways to keep me motivated and moving forward.

Over the last week I have come across many resources that I would like to share in hopes that they will inspire you as well:

1. My friend Leslie shared a great article that is written for runners, but I think some of the ideas can be adapted for other goals as well. My favorite suggestion is to create a goal board.  I think we can all benefit from keeping our goals front and center in a place where we can be reminded of where we are going to hold us accountable.  10 Things You Have to Try in 2015
2. To help you create an inspiring goal board my friend Kay shared this resource on making a vision board. How to Create an Empowering Vision Board
3. This week's People magazine has some inspiring articles about people that have been able to shed large amounts of their excess body weight.  I love this issue because they share many tips, recipes, and inspirational stories that will give you ideas and resources if losing weight is your goal for this year. My favorite resources is a list of 10 tips from the Biggest Loser trainer Dolvett Quince (see image attached)
4. I am reading a book Kay shared with me that is inspiring me, helping me to be less fearful about my ultra marathon goal, and is giving me ideas for nutrition as I train for this race.  Eat and Run: My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness by Scott Jurek.  

As you move into the new year, I hope that you too are finding ways to keep yourself motivated to make positive changes in your life.  It is important that you start your year off on the right foot so you can make 2015 your most successful year yet!