Over the last few years, I truly feel like I have become a better version of what I was in the past. I am stronger, I am fitter, and I am happier than I have ever been. But, unfortunately, some things about me have not changed. No matter how much better I get, there is still a heavyset, unhappy version of me inside that occasionally rears up her negative head and makes me doubt myself. Nothing brings her out of hiding more than race photos. I can have ten pictures of a fitter version of me, and if even one of those photos is unflattering, I will focus on that photo and begin to doubt the progress I have made. After all, what you see is what you get, right?
The two photos to the left were both taken of me in the last month. And while both show a much leaner me, it is the photo to the left that demonstrates how warped my body image can still be. I look at that photo and I see that my hips are still too wide and that my bike shorts under my warm up pants squish my thigh fat down. And you will notice I take a lot of bike and run photos, but any pictures of me in my swimsuits are few and far between. I am happy with my body from my belly button up and from my knees down. Everything in between occasionally brings out the very insecure side of me. I have gotten much better, but I wish I could consistently see that the photo on the right is the true representation of myself these days.
Another thing that has not changed with me despite great effort on my part is the power the scale also has to make me feel frustration. Lately I have been using the scale more to keep myself from gaining weight, but those numbers can still cause me to doubt that I am making any progress toward a more flabulous me. How the scale's numbers look definitely don't demonstrate how I am feeling these days, yet if that scale goes up even a pound or two, I find myself spiraling into an insane need to question my eating habits--am I eating too much? Am I eating too little?
Honestly, these days I am finding it difficult to determine what the right amount of food might be when I am training so much. At my current weight, I would burn about 1,600 calories a day just performing basic body functions (i.e. breathing, sleeping keeping your heart beating or regulating your internal temperature). Add in that I am burning over 2000 calories on most days with my workouts, and it can be hard to ascertain exactly what I should eat to help my body repair itself after exercise, to maintain energy, and to keep myself from being too hungry. Can you understand why I am a little confused these days?
I don't want you to think that I have gone off the deep end. I am still on the right track, but I suppose I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. All I ask from myself is that I have fewer days of doubt, and more days spent being proud of all that I have accomplished in the last few years. I must admit that how I look and how I feel are one and the same. The scale and bad photos are just life's way of reminding me that I am human, and I must admit that I still have some work to do on my self-confidence. Thank you friends for supporting me and listening to me when I need to share my very unreasonable thoughts--I feel better already!
The two photos to the left were both taken of me in the last month. And while both show a much leaner me, it is the photo to the left that demonstrates how warped my body image can still be. I look at that photo and I see that my hips are still too wide and that my bike shorts under my warm up pants squish my thigh fat down. And you will notice I take a lot of bike and run photos, but any pictures of me in my swimsuits are few and far between. I am happy with my body from my belly button up and from my knees down. Everything in between occasionally brings out the very insecure side of me. I have gotten much better, but I wish I could consistently see that the photo on the right is the true representation of myself these days.
Another thing that has not changed with me despite great effort on my part is the power the scale also has to make me feel frustration. Lately I have been using the scale more to keep myself from gaining weight, but those numbers can still cause me to doubt that I am making any progress toward a more flabulous me. How the scale's numbers look definitely don't demonstrate how I am feeling these days, yet if that scale goes up even a pound or two, I find myself spiraling into an insane need to question my eating habits--am I eating too much? Am I eating too little?
Honestly, these days I am finding it difficult to determine what the right amount of food might be when I am training so much. At my current weight, I would burn about 1,600 calories a day just performing basic body functions (i.e. breathing, sleeping keeping your heart beating or regulating your internal temperature). Add in that I am burning over 2000 calories on most days with my workouts, and it can be hard to ascertain exactly what I should eat to help my body repair itself after exercise, to maintain energy, and to keep myself from being too hungry. Can you understand why I am a little confused these days?
I don't want you to think that I have gone off the deep end. I am still on the right track, but I suppose I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. All I ask from myself is that I have fewer days of doubt, and more days spent being proud of all that I have accomplished in the last few years. I must admit that how I look and how I feel are one and the same. The scale and bad photos are just life's way of reminding me that I am human, and I must admit that I still have some work to do on my self-confidence. Thank you friends for supporting me and listening to me when I need to share my very unreasonable thoughts--I feel better already!
This is me today with Sophie after Chelsea's Run 5K--and this is how I look (and feel)!
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