HOW TO BECOME A 100-MILE CHAMPION
- Enter an online contest to not only be trained by veteran ultra marathoners but agree that if you win you will be connected to so much technology for 200 days that you begin to wonder if you have become a cyborg.
- Cross your fingers behind your back as you tell your husband you probably won't win the contest anyway.
- Once you are chosen as one of the "winners" of said contest, you sell your soul to a crazy looking guy in a jester outfit in exchange for training. After all, only good can come from putting six months of your life in the hands of a man that wears tights, a skirt, and a fancy hat, right?
- Promise your family that if they can just manage EVERYTHING in the household for the next six months you will make it up to them once you completely recover from the race (fingers still crossed behind back because recovery may take another six months at which time you are hoping to sign up for some other crazy adventure).
- Persuade your running buddies that consistently waking up at 3 am so they can run by 4 am is going to make them stronger runners. And once they are so brain addled from sleep deprivation that they can't think straight, you next make them see how beginning our long runs between midnight and 3 am is an even better idea.
- Convince all your friends that crewing and pacing you for over 24-hours is going to be like a big party that they really don't want to miss!
- Avoid building up callouses on your feet so your friends can practice their foot-care skills on a real life victim. Popping someone else's blisters is fun, agreed?
- It is imperative that you follow every step of the coach's diabolical plan to break down every muscle in your body and every brain cell in your head so that come race day you have so completely surrendered your will that you can't possibly think rationally about the fact that you are running a farther distance than most people care to even drive their cars.
- Become so desensitized that in desperation you will find no shame in discovering a nice bush to squat behind to do your business. You will also need to become immune to the smells emanating from your body due to the mixture of such urban potty break remnants and eye-watering sweat stench. And believe it or not port-o-potties will seem like Ritz Carlton accommodations at some point in the race, so get used to those as well.
- To keep your running buddies motivated to continue running with you, taut the monetary benefits of running by posting consistent pictures of the small bills and change encountered on your runs. At the same time fail to inform them of the fact that in six months of running you collected just $8.72, which comes nowhere near the money you spent on the race entry fee, the four pairs of $100+ shoes you wore through in 1,800 miles of training distance, the $200 Garmin you had to purchase to document your actual training (if it isn't on Strava it didn't happen), and the numerous other gadgets, nutrition, hydration, etc necessary to make your ultra marathon status a reality.
Do all these things and you will be assured that you, too, can be a 100-mile champion who is now awarded with a beautiful, shiny, new belt buckle. And despite the fact that you may have never worn a belt a day in your life, this piece of metal will be worth more to you than all your other race bling combined!